Do they think that walls could hide you?
There she sat. On the railings. Her beauty was so overwhelming that I could only stand there and look at her. She was absolutely perfect. And she was mine.
"Where are we going now?", she asked.
"Wherever you want to.", I replied, thinking about a word for her beauty, but everything that came to my mind sounded dumb in the next moment.
She smiled and looked down.
I just loved that smile, it made her face, if possible, even more beautiful.
"Well. I want to go to Paris.", she said after thinking a while, "I heard about it and I think it's a wondeful place."
Upset now I said: "I don't have enough money for a trip like that."
She smiled again.
"It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you are there for me."
I couldn't think of anything that was not adorable about my sweet Johanna.
"One day I'll take you there...", I murmured, "Just wait."
Then we both fell silent for a long time.
I watched the waves crashing against our ship.
She just sat there.
I don't know how but this moment had an appendage of perfection.
And if you're beautiful and pale with yellow hair...
The next day.
I stood up noticing Johanna was still sleeping.
Such a beautiful and pale face in such a peace. It seemed everything was rightend the time I watched her sleep.
I walked out into a bright new day and breathed deeply. The sun was shining and washing away my tiredness.
The captain told me that it was just one more day until we would have reached our destination.
And again a frisson of happiness creeped over me.
We would start a new life without boundaries and we would be able to do everything that we always dreamed of. Me and my beautiful Johanna.
I smiled. A completly new life, it was just like a dream.
I heard a sound behind me and turned around.
She was standing right behind me.
"Good morning, love!", I said.
She yawned as sweet as a peach.
Her skin was shining in the sun like a diamond.
"Where are we?", she asked so quietly that it was hard to hear her words.
"It's not far, dear. Just wait a bit and we'll have a completly new life. It's only one day then we'll be at our destination.", I replied.
"Will you tell me where we're going?"
Her voice sounded like music to me. It was just so clear an melodic that no componist would ever be able to imitate it but also so calm and breakable that you must listen to them so carefully that you don't break them.
"No", I said chastely.
She just sighed and then left the conversation with a smile.
She walked across the ship.
Her long blonde hair flew in the wind like wheat.
How I adored it.
The way it smelled, like thousands of flowers in spring.
The way its colour shone, a yellow like the sun when it's acold winter morning.
And at last the way it caressed her body.
I was absolutely positive that this was the hair of a goddess.
...like her.
Finally we were where I wanted us to be.
Johanna seemed refreshed.
"Where are we?"
"What you see here is the beautiful place of Dublin, my pet."
I grinned. She looked at me and grinned too.
I was just happy.
We went to a small tavern and got a wonderful room.
She sat on the bed, breathing deeply.
Even though it was early in the morning, she looked perfect.
I went to the bed and sat beside her.
I held her gorgeous face in my hands and kissed her soft lips with all my soul and all the love I felt for her.
She smiled with her eyes still closed as I sucreased of her.
Then her mind got hard again.
"Love?", she said to me.
"What is it, my heart?", I asked her worried.
"There are many things I was thinking about these times...", she began.
"What kind of things?", I started to panic. She seemed so breakable and small. I never wanted her to be sad or depressed. She was too marvelous, like an angel.
She must have read my mind.
She looked at me.
"Everything is alright, dear. I was just thinking about my mother. My wonderful mother. Wherever she is now."
I looked up again. Now she seemed hurt.
I kissed her again.
"One day we'll find her. I swear whatever will be, I will never refuse your wishes!"
She looked at the floor and I saw there was more on her mind than she wanted to tell me.
I held her in my arms and felt her tears on my shoulders. I knew I could not ask her about it now. I just had to be there and hold her tight.
My small sprite would never get disappointed of me. I would fight for her happiness forever.
And in the darkness, when I'm blind with what I can't forget....
The days went by and as time went by I forgot what had happened.
Dublin started to get home for me.
I found work and friends. The only thing I was sad about was that Johanna didn't seem to like it there and how hard she tried I felt it wasn't home for her.
When I got back to the tavern, she was standing in front of the door watching the sea.
Her body was there but her soul seemed to be miles away.
I looked at her, but she looked right through me.
I went to her and stood in front of her.
Suddenly she looked at me as if she'd seen a ghost, then her mind got clear again.
She smiled. In despair.
I kissed her cold lips. Cold like death.
I shrinked back as I noticed that.
"Are you alright, darling?", I asked her anxious.
"I think. But..."
"What is wrong, my love?", and again the panic from before got over me.
She catched that and looked doleful.
"I am just so confused about everything... You want me to start something new with you. You want me to be the woman you always dreamed of. Maybe I am. Maybe not.
But I am sure I can't start a new life without knowing where my mother is...and dad..."
"I..."
"I am sorry. I shouldn't have told you."
"I want to know everything about you and your emotions. Please don't think it will ever be something that doesn't matter to me!", I stuttered.
"I have to find her and ask her why she didn't stay by my side. I want to know if she didn't want me or if there was another reason... I have to find it out. And if I can I want to know where my father went after he left...
There are so many questions haunting me every second.
I love you like the stars above and I really want to be with you, to start a new life with you. Someday growing old with you.
But how can I have a future without having a past?"
I was absolutely aphasic. I'd never heard her speaking like that.
I could do nothing but just standing there and look at her.
"Say something!", she stated.
"I...you...I really don't know what to say..."
"I'm sorry that...I had to tell you that."
"Well. So, what now? What's your intention?"
"We have to go back. We..."
"Throw all this away? I thought we could start a new life without all this tears and pain."
"We can come back afterwards."
I nodded my head.
She had no idea.
I wanted to ask her to be my wife today.
I had to hold my tears back.
But if it was this, what she wanted, I had to do everything to help her find out about her mother and father.
But what if they were dead.
I wouldn't be able to see her cry without my heart flying into flinders.
Someone with the perfection she had should see her life lying broken in front of her.
It was just wrong.
But maybe they were still living.
But why did they never search my sweet Johanna?
What kind of parents do not care about their child?
So many questions were haunting my mind.
I shook my head to get rid of these thoughts.
I loved her more than everything else.
I don't know if she knew it but I'd do everything to make her smile.
I couldn't find anything to ever let her go. I'd never let her go!
And as we went to bed and she was sleeping I said to myself: "One day you will be mine!"
I kissed her skin and fell asleep as well.
It's always morning in my mind, my little lamb, my pet.
The next day was terrible. Nearly everything that could go wrong was going wrong.
We went to the harbour and after asking when the next ship would leave a man was telling us that this day no ship would leave this goddam harbour. It was hard to understand him but I think I heard something about a girl that was drowned while playing near the ships.
I was shocked but also a little annoyed. I hated these silly girls.
Johanna's mind didn't change. She was just nodding and turning away.
There was a thing I found even more shocking. I didn't understood why she was taking it so easy. The day before she had cried because she wanted to know about her parents and now she did nothing.
I followed her.
"Why didn't you say anything? Yesterday you were upset and today everything is just fine?!"
"Don't worry."
"What? I really don't understand you..."
"We have to wait. It's alright for me."
I was getting some kind of angry with her.
"Maybe", she said, "it's better not to know..."
"Why, for Chrissake?", I asked getting in a little rage.
"It's nothing"
We both fell into a pondering silence.
Why was she lying? I'd always been honest to her.
I had always cared for her when she was feeling bad.
I fell out of all heavens.
My sweet Johanna was changing in a way I did not understand.
