A Million Raindrops
I watched the rain fall down to the ground. I heard the rain fall down. But I couldn’t feel anything. Not, since you’d…
Tears came into my eyes. How long ago was it now? One hour? One day? One week? I didn’t know but it felt like an eternity. We haven’t been together; I didn’t know how it would feel to be close to you. But I knew that I couldn’t live without it. But I had to. Somehow.
Since you were gone I was thoughtful about what I would do differently. But your words blocked every escape, every chance to save the situation. To save you.
“I don’t love you. And I never, ever will love you.” It hurt like million knifes into my heart to hear you say these words. But I had to live with that pain since these were the last words I heard from you.
“Why?” I asked. There wasn’t anyone who could answer this question. That one, tiny question. Not even me. Why did you have to go? Why did you have to be so heartless?
And why did I have to love you so much?
We had always understood us so well. Why did my friendship to you have to become love? Actually, it was my fault that you’re gone.
But couldn’t you express yourself a bit more sentimental? If you had said that you’re sorry about it, then I would have a spark. A tiny spark which shows me that you care a little about me.
But your heartless words had destroyed all sparks. There was only darkness in my heart. The only thing that could lighten it was you.
But there was no possibility that you’d come back. You won’t come back. Never.
I watched my hands lie on the window sill. There was something in them. Something that had identified your being. That was you.
Your noseband.
That you left it here left also a lot of questions. Would you wanted to leave your old life behind you? Would you just wanted to forget everything and everybody? Your friends, your band?
Or would you wanted to leave some sign here? Something personal so that I knew I was important for you?
Or would you wanted to leave it so I was always remembered of you, of your heartless words? So I could feel the pain every day?
Why did you leave it here?
Why did it have to be come so far?
Tears ran over my cheeks like they wanted to mime the raindrops in front of my window. You always liked the rain.
For me it just meant sorrow.
I held the piece of cloth against my cheek. That piece of cloth was the only left-over of you. It still smelled like you. That was the only proximity that I could have to you.
I closed my eyes and buried myself in my grief. Just a scrap of fabric. Just that was left. That and my painful memories.
“I don’t love you. And I never, ever will love you.”
I cried because I couldn’t stand the pain. I couldn’t handle with the darkness, the emptiness in my heart.
I didn’t want it. I wanted everything back to normal. But it wouldn’t work. Because you would never come back again. Nothing will be the same again.
I hated you because you destroyed me. How could a person be so heartless?
The pain became unbearable. I tore your noseband. The two pieces fell to the ground. Then I buried my face in my arms to grieve in silence. My tears had dried. I did have no strength anymore.
I heard the rain stop fall down. And I felt how it became lighter. But only outdoors. In my heart there will always be eternal darkness.
Somebody entered the room. I didn’t know who it was. I felt how the person got closer and pulled me in a slightly hug. But it wasn’t you.
It will never be you.
